Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Bad jokes

A man walks into a bar. his alcoholic habits are destroying his family.

"A dog goes into a bar, he is wearing an eye patch. The dog says to the bartender, 'Have you heard the one about the one-eyed dog?' The bartender, who is deaf in one ear, thinks the dog is making fun of him. He asks him to leave. The dog says, 'Don't you have a sense of humour, deafy?' At the end of his shift, the bartender is tired of all the jokes. Today its a one-eyed dog, yesterday it was a horse with rickets, the day before, ants. He lives above the bar in a small room. He spends the night alone there, listing to his battery operated radio, which picks up only a bad jazz station. He listens to bad jazz with his bad ear."

"A duck goes into a pharmacy, he says to the pharmacist, 'I need some ointment for my beak, it is very chapped'. The pharmacist says 'We have nothing for ducks here.' "

How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on him. How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, unique up on him.

Two peanuts walk into a was a-SALTED. Similar to the popcorn, who was arrested for a-salt and buttery.

Q:What worse than finding a worm in your apple?

A:The holocaust.

How many individuals of a particular group does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the lightbulb, and 3 more to indulge in behavior stereotypical of the group to which they belong.

Did you hear that Willie Nelson got hit by a car? He was playing On the Road Again.

Did you hear about the boat carrying blue paint crashing into the boat carrying red paint? Both crews were marooned.

Why do ducks have flat, webbed feet? To stomp out forest fires. Why do elephant have flat, round feet? To stomp out burning ducks.

Why don't blind people skydive? It scares the hell out of their dogs

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing. You already told her twice.

Why are there so many battered women's shelters? Because women just dont fucking listen.

But seriously....all this talk about battered women is wrong. I prefer mine deep-fried.

"what's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree could kill you?

a pool table''

"Did you hear about the two dinosaurs in a car accident?

It was a tyrannosaurus wreck."

"Why doesn't mexico have any Olympic athletes?

Because everyone who can run, jump or swim is already in America."

"How do you keep a clown from laughing? Hit him in the face with an axe.''

Three blokes walk into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

Ask me if I'm a truck. Q: are you a truck? A: ...No.

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? Because the ref was calling fouls.

In San Francisco today, a hearse was carrying a body to a funeral when it hit a large pothole on the way. The doors of the hearse were not properly secured, and the coffin slipped out. It was on a gurney with large wheels, and started careening down the steep San Francisco streets. The funeral procession tried in vain to catch it. It finally crashed through the glass window of a pharmacy at the bottom of a hill. The impact was so violent that the coffin popped open, the dead man sat up, and said to the pharmacist, "Do you have anything to stop this coffin?"

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? It was dead. Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? It was stapled to the first monkey. Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Monkey see, monkey do.

A redneck from Texas once told me that pigs would fly before a black man would be elected president. Obama's been president for 100 days and guess what? Swine Flu.

Did you hear the one about the deaf guy crossing the road? ...he didn't either.

What did the blonde say after having multiple orgasms? "So you all play for the same team?"

DO YOU work @ subway? cause ur giving me a footlong

What's the difference between you and a bucket of rocks? The bucket of rocks didn't make your mother commit suicide.

Why did the baby go into the bar? You didn't kick him high enough to make a field goal.

How many men does it take to make dinner? None, it should already be made by the time the man gets home.

What type of pizza did the twin towers have delivered? Two plains.

Whats the difference between a jew and a boy scout? The boy scout comes back from camp

A skeleton walks into a bar,asks the bartender for a beer and a mop

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "is the bar tender here?"

A rabbi walks into a bar. A bartender asks the rabbi: "So, do you make a lot from performing circumcisions?" The rabbi says: "No, I just keep the tips."

Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? "See you in twenty-eight days."

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says to it, "Why the long face?"

Q: Why did Fred fall off his bike? A: His mother threw a fridge at him

"Q: How do you brainwash a blonde? A: A rigorous schedule of psychologically breaking down her confidence and resistance to outside suggestion."

Q: What's better than winning gold at the Special Olympics? A: Not being retarded.

A mexican and a black guy are in a police car. Who is driving? The cop.

A Cadillac goes over the cliff with 4 black guys inside. What's the real tragedy? Cadillac can hold 5 people.

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