Bar Jokes

A sandwich walks into a bar. "Pint of your finest please" he says. To which the barman replies "Sorry sir, we don't serve food".

Mickey Mouse is sitting at a bar, slugging whiskey and holding back tears. The bartender say, "Hey, you gotta cheer up. So what if Minnie acts a little silly, it's not the end of the world."

Mickey looks up with bloodshot eyes and says, "You asshole, I didn't say she was silly, I said she was fuckin' Goofy!"

Two whales go up to the bartender.

The bartender asks them what they want.

The first whale says, "WOOOOOOO. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. WEEEEEEEEEEOOOOO. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO."

The second whale says, "Shut up, Frank, you're drunk."

You can drag out the first whale's part as lonnnnnng as you'd like. Best told in person.

A guy walks into a bar, and order 5 shots. Bartender says, "Jeez, you look like you just got some bad news." Guy says, "Yea, just found out my dads gay and he's leaving my mom." So the guy downs the 5 shots and drinks the rest of the night.

The next day he comes back, and orders 5 shots again. Bartender says, "What happened now?" Guy says, "Just found out my brother's gay and he's leaving his wife." So the guy downs the 5 shots again, and drinks until closing time.

The next day he comes back again, and orders 5 more shots. Bartender says, "Jesus, doesn't anybody in your family like women?" Guy says, "Yea, my wife".

A string walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender angrily says "We don't serve strings here!"

String: "But all I want is a drink!"

Bartender: "I said no strings!"

Dejectedly, the string goes outside. Thinking for a moment, the string then ruffles up his hair and around his feet. He then convulses and wraps himself around all crazy like. He then walks back into the bar.

The bartender is aghast. "Aren't you the same string I just kicked out of here?"

"No, sir. I'm a frayed knot."

A guy walks into a bar, and carries with him a small octopus. He sets him on the bar and orders a drink. It just so happens that this is the bar where the Boston Symphony musicians like to hang out after their performances, and indeed they're all there tonight.

The flautist finally lets curiosity get the better of him, so he goes up to the guy and asks, "What's the deal with your octopus?" The man replies, "I'll bet you 50$ that he can play any of your instruments just as well as you!"

The flautist starts laughing and thinks this is an easy way to get 50$. He goes back to his seat, grabs his flute and brings it back to the octopus. Sure enough, the octopus takes the flute from him, puts the mouthpiece to his beak and starts playing a beautiful tune. The flautist is stunned, and returns to his seat 50$ poorer.

Seeing this amazing spectacle, the violinist thinks to himself, "The octopus doesn't even have a chin! There's no way he can play MY instrument!" He goes up to the man at the bar and says as much to him. The man replies, "The bet's the same; 50$ says he can play your violin just fine!" The violinist grabs his instrument and hands it to the octopus. He immediately starts playing a very moving piece. The violinist can't believe it, and he returns to his seat, 50$ poorer.

The bagpiper sees this happen, and thinks to himself, "There's NO WAY that octopus can play my bagpipes. I'm going to be the first one to get 50$ off this guy!" So he walks up to the octopus and hands him the bagpipes. The octopus looks at them, turns them over, pokes at them, but makes no move to play them. The man says to the octopus, "What do you think you're doing? Play the damned thing already!" The octopus looks at him and says, "Play it? As soon as I figure out how to get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck it!"

Two condoms are walking down the street. One turns to the other and asks "what are we going to do tonight?". The second condom replies "I know a gay bar down the street where we can go get shitfaced!"

An Englishman, an Irishman and an Scotsman step up to the bar and order a pint each. The bartender slides the three pints toward them; all the pints having a fly floating on the head of the beer.

The Englishman looks at his beer and pushes it away in disgust. The Irishman examines his pint for a second, shrugs his shoulders and takes a huge gulp. The Scotsman looks at his beer, his face goes red with rage. He grabs the fly by the wings, and shakes it over his pint screaming "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!!!"

A man and giraffe walk into a bar and get totally faceless drunk. The giraffe passes out and man gets up to leave. Barman says “you can’t leave that lyin' there.” Man says “it’s not a lion it’s a giraffe.”

A woman walks into the bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says to her, "Damn, you are totally gonna get laid tonight." The lady responds, "Wow, thanks. Is it because of something I'm wearing?" The bartenders says, "No, it's because I'm stronger than you."

What's the difference between a goose, a duck, and a lawyer?

A goose can stick his bill up his ass, a duck can't, and a lawyer should.

What's Bruce Lee's favorite drink?

Waaaaaaaaaaataaaaaaaaaahhhh

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The Bartender says "we don't serve bacteria in here". The bacteria say "But we work here. We're Staph"

3 mice are sitting at a bar with a bottle of tequila talking about how tough they are. One pours a shot while saying "when I see rat poison, I cut it up and snort it. I like the buzz" and downs the shot. The second grabs the bottle and pours, "when I see a mouse trap, I grab the cheese, bench press the track 50 times then go have a snack" downs the shot. Third mouse pours a shot, takes it, and pushes away from the table. "Where are you going?" The other mice ask. "This is lame, I'm going home to fuck the cat".

A guy walks into a bar and sees man sitting with a giant orange head - like those ones from the old Gushers commercials. Curious, the guy sits down next to the orange head guy and asks, "I gotta know, how did you get that huge orange head?"

"Oh it's quite a story really. I once found a magic lamp and when I rubbed it a genie came out and offered my three wishes. For my first wish I asked for more money than I'd ever need, and I've enjoyed a wealthy life since." The guy notices that the man is well-dressed and drinking pretty expensive drinks.

"For my second wish, I asked for the love of my life, a beautiful woman I could grow old with who would love me forever." A beautiful woman sitting next to him leans over and waves at the guy, smiling.

"And here's where I think I went terribly, horribly wrong. For my third wish I asked for this giant orange head."

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few.

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

A man from Ontario, Montreal and Alberta are all sitting at the same bar. They each order a shot of the best whiskey so the bartender brings a dusty old bottle and opens it in front of them. All the sudden a genie pops out and says he will grant three wishes, one to each of the men. He asks the man from Alberta what he'd like and the man replies "I want there to be millions of tons of oil to be discovered under my house", boom, he's rich. The man from Montreal says, I want there to be a massive wall surrounding Montreal from all invaders, just like there used to be". Boom, the wall is made. It's the Ontarian's turn and he then says "Tell me more about this wall", the genie replies "Well it's 150m high and 3m thick, nothing can get in or out of it, it is impenetrable." The Ontarian then thinks hard for a few minutes and simply replies with, "Fill it with water".